Day 17--Life Swap
I thought pretty seriously about changing the theme of this day because I just couldn't think of anyone whose life I'd like to have. Then it hit me: This is huge! For the first time in my life I don't want to be someone else, live somewhere else, or be doing something else.
It has taken me 32 years to get to the point where I can (almost always) accept who I am. I have struggled my whole life with body image and general feelings of inadequacy. Nothing has ever been good enough. I have never been good enough.
In the past few months I have started to understand that my body is a gift. I can wake up every morning. I breathe without difficulty. I walk and talk and lift and bend, all without any assistance. I don't hate my body for being imperfect anymore. Do I need to take better care of it by being more physically fit and making better food choices? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean I need to hate myself in the meantime. There's no magic pants size or number on the scale that will make me love myself for who I am.
I have also felt a pretty serious paradigm shift in the last few months or so with respect to my education. I finally came to realize that the career path I have chosen is MY career path. I shouldn't be basing my decisions on what my advisor wants or what my friends think is best for me. I need to sit down and carefully consider (often with Mr. H-B) what I want and what will work best for OUR family. Instead of letting my dissertation and the upcoming job search just happen to me, I am taking proactive steps to accomplish goals and enhance my future job prospects.
These shifts in my thinking have bled over into other areas of my life--my relationship with Mr. H-B, my participation in our church, and the way I approach my leisure time. Of course I slack off regularly, but I am more conscious of my role of making things happen.
Perhaps what they say is true: that your 30s are a time of self-discovery. I've never been happier with my imperfect life than I am today. For me, that is a miracle.