The I-word

Edited to add: Thank you all for your supportive comments and emails. I'm so sorry that so many of my friends are experiencing the same issues, but it's so helpful to know we're not alone.

I've gone back and forth about posting this, but...here goes.

Mr. H-B and I have been married nearly four years now. Family is a big part of our faith and we both have a strong desire to have children. Our friends are having babies. Other bloggers are having babies. Much younger relatives are having babies. EVERYONE is having babies. I am thrilled for all of them. I really, honestly mean that.

Still, people ask questions and, in some cases, make (erroneous) assumptions about us. Others give us sympathetic looks. After nearly two years of this, we've become members of a club that almost no one wants to be a part of.

It's hard not to play the blame game in this case (always my fault, incidentally). I'm overweight. I don't eat well enough. I should exercise more. I should stress less. I should take more vitamins. I should sleep more. I should sleep less. I should be more proactive. I should be less proactive. It's my medication. It's my breakfast. It's my lunch. Maybe I want to feel like I'm in control somehow? I know I'm not, but perhaps that's too much to admit.

There have been two almosts; at least, I think there have. The signs were all there, but then they weren't. Hopes gone. Dreams of tiny shoes and fuzzy blankets dashed. Hearts a little broken.

I don't know what's next. A new job means new insurance, which could mean answers. Lifestyle changes and a new house mean more fresh starts.

I hope. We hope together.


Jules said...

Don't worry, not *everyone* is having babies... It's a frustrating situation to say the least, but hang in there! You aren't alone :)

Señora H-B said...

Thanks, Jules! I appreciate that.

Anonymous said...

I hope for you, too!

Sarah said...

Sending hugs and prayers your way.

Meg said...

I definitely can't say I know how you feel, but I have watched several family members struggle with this, and it's so hard. No one knows what to say, and everyone tries to say something helpful anyway, and it almost never is. I hope that you can get some answers soon.

Japolina said...

Stop blaming yourself please. That is not helping anything. Hang in there. I know lots and lots of people who have gone through this and had happy endings.

xoxo Japolina


melissa said...

Hoping and praying for you guys, and sending love your way. And don't blame yourself. Even when conditions are perfect, the Lord can still have his own plan with families and timing. Just know that there are soooo many people hoping and praying for you guys, too!

Camie said...

I know that this can be so painful and personal that it can be hard to share. There are so many things that seem unfair about infertility and why a great couple would have to go through it. Good luck as you decide what the next steps may be for you. Hugs to both of you!!

llegue said...

Totally been there done that. Not fun but it does get better. Way better. Lots of hugs....we'll chat soon.

Me again said...

Long time blog stalker here.
Just wanted to post and give you encouragement. You can do this!
Our first 2 children were fast and came when we tried. Then we had a long dry spell. We wanted a few more, but they just weren't coming.
What finally worked for us (after 2 looong years of trying and a miscarriage) was paying attention to ovulation.
If your cycle is regular, go halfway in and that is the day you ovulate (if all is normal). So if 28 days, then day 14 is the magic day. (day 1 is 1st day of your period).
This worked so well for us that we got pregnant within months for Baby E, and the first month we tried with our next. THAT was a surprise.
And yes, hubby and I are well overweight.

Maggie B. said...

oh hugs! i'm sorry. my hubs and i are in the same boat ourselves. and it does seem that nearly every blogger i am reading is having babies. so while i'm happy for them, it does kind of kill a little piece of me on the inside.

a hard road to hoe, that's for sure. =(

Lee-Ruth-Clark-Cal-Shanna-Haley-Elden said...

Keep on hoping! You are amazing!

Jena Nicole said...

I didn't know. :(
I figured you were waiting.
But, maybe God has a different plan for you and your family. Or, maybe his timing is different than your expectations.
Trust in him.
Just keep living life as best you can and you'll find an answer.
I love you dearly.

Grandma H said...

We love you and pray for you. Hugs and kisses:)

Shellie said...

Maria I am so sorry! Do not blame yourself though. My mom and dad had one baby and tried 12 years to have another one! Sometimes the sweet spirits that are blessed to us are not ready yet.
Just keep praying to the Lord for answers and we will pray you receive them! You are going to make an amazing parent someday! We love and pray for you!

p.s. Maybe it is time for a priesthood blessing if you have not done that already ;)

Elizabeth said...

We may not look like it now, but we had five years of the I-word. It's so hard, so so hard and I'm sorry you have to experience it. We hope for you too! Much love to both you both!

bellas-gemelas said...

We love both of you so much. You're in our thoughts and prayers.

Señora H-B said...

Again, thank you all of your for your wonderfully kind and supportive comments! They are much appreciated.

Michelle said...

hugs coming your way from another who is in that same boat. we miss you.