When I look back, the last six months have sort of been a blur. I graduated (with an incomplete dissertation), we moved, we adopted another dog, we traveled. Somewhere in there I started a new job and had two miscarriages, along with a lot of invasive fertility testing. Sometimes I think that all of the craziness is no excuse for where I am academically, spiritually, emotionally. Other times I look at it and think, 'hey, you know what? I have survived all of those things and it's okay that I let my work slide'. Today, I don't know where I come down on the issue.
I have let things really slide this semester with respect to my own work. I have a good handle on my students' work right now, but I am incredibly far behind on where I wanted to be with my dissertation at this point. I expected to have finished my revisions and submitted it by now, though I haven't done enough to get there because it has been such an overwhelming process. I have let my general depression and my depression about infertility get the best of me. I'm disappointed in myself. I worry that my dissertation committee hates me or is fed up with me. I worry that I'm not doing well enough at work to keep my job next semester, let alone next year. I worry that I'm not doing enough for my church service or for myself spiritually. Of course, I have exactly zero indication that any of these things are true.
When my parents were here this month, my mom helped me accomplish a bajillion little tasks that I had let pile up while wallowing in misery. I have thought about that a lot. Where is the balance between grieving losses or experiencing a certain amount of anguish and moving on?
Perhaps the fact that I'm writing this post indicates that I'm ready to move onward and upward. I hope?