Dr. Nanny

I have no real reason for not blogging for the last three months. Life has been remarkably good since I finished my dissertation. Most of my time has been taken up nannying Mr. H-B's sweet 5-month-old niece. We've been at this for 10 weeks now and I am completely smitten. She is such a little charmer. Baby A is in a fantastic mood about 45% of the time, sleeps for 45% of the time, and makes me really glad she goes home at the end of the day the remaining 10% of the time.

She has featured prominently on Instagram, now private after reading one too many articles about weirdos who steal baby pictures and create fantasy lives around images from strangers...

How do people ever get anything done with babies this cute?

Sometimes it's hard to put her down when she falls asleep in my arms.

Even when she's fighting sleep, she is sweet.

To be completely honest, I had a lot of trepidation about taking care of Baby A. I was worried I would have too many feelings about her - infertility, miscarriages, and anxiety have taken more of a toll on me than I think I realize. The truth of the matter is that I've been pretty angry with God since our last miscarriage (in December). It's almost embarrassing to admit, but I sense that I'm not completely alone in feeling this way.

At any rate, this summer job has been exactly what I needed. Baby A has healed my heart in many ways. She has helped me to realize that this loss-filled journey will ultimately be worth it - whether there is a baby at the end of it or not. Being a part of our nieces and nephews' lives is such a tremendous blessing (plus, let's be honest, it's nice to not have to deal with most of the really awful/gross/annoying stuff). In the first half of the year, I convinced myself that we don't really need to have children of our own, especially when it's taking so much heartache to get what we want. These last 10 weeks of diaper blow-outs, naps together, and enormous gummy grins at Mr. H-B have undone all that convincing, and that's okay with me.


Jules said...

Aw, she is an adorable baby!

Your attitude about everything sounds really good (and I think your anger is definitely a common reaction), which is no mean feat. I hope your baby wishes come true!

Sarah said...

Oh, this made me cry and that niece of yours is a real beauty. Thanks for writing.

Cathryn said...

She is so adorable, I love all the pictures. What a blessing that you can take care of her right now and that she has you guys instead of going to a daycare when she is so small. I'm glad it's a good experience.

Megan Bower said...

I love everything about this post. It sounds like you're in a very healthy place.