9.01.2013

Waiting Game

But replace 'today' with 'this week'.

Let's just get this over with: We had our first round of IUI at the beginning of August. It was a success and our elation lasted a whole six days. We found out Thursday, August 29, that the embryo isn't producing enough HCG quickly enough to make the pregnancy viable. The doctor said to expect a(nother) miscarriage. So now we're just waiting for the physical symptoms of the miscarriage to start. To say we're devastated would be an understatement. After four years of trying and waiting and wondering, we thought we finally had some good news. After the miscarriage happens, we have to wait another two months before we can try another round of IUI. Waiting is not my forte (I'm sure that my family is laughing as they read this).

We are both doing a lot better than we were on Thursday. We cried a lot, we watched a lot of funny TV shows and movies, ordered pizza, and I put away the baby and pregnancy books I had scattered around the house. I'm trying to give myself a break and not assign myself blame for this. Intellectually I know that a large percentage of pregnancies end in miscarriage in the first 12 weeks (I'm 5 weeks and 2 days today). We are amazingly lucky that the IUI worked the first time around (of course, it doesn't feel like it since the pregnancy is ending and now we'll have to wait even longer to have a baby). We're lucky that we know that this is happening now and not finding out about it later through ultrasound. We're blessed that we have a great doctor who can help us find answers.

I have hesitated to talk about this with anyone (online or in real life) because I am afraid that people will say that things happen for a reason, or the timing just isn't right, or that there was obviously something wrong with the baby. We know all of that, and I know that in time we'll come to understand it; it's just not what anyone needs to hear when they're grieving.

At any rate, we'll get through this.

7 comments:

Nemesis said...

I am so sorry, how heartbreaking. Sending so much love your way right now.

Sarah said...

I'm so sorry. Sending hugs and prayers.

Meg said...

That totally sucks. As does even more waiting . You WILL get through this, but that doesn't mean you can't be really upset and sad right now. I'm so sorry.

Cathryn said...

Bah, this is sad. Knowing you are going to miscarry before actually miscarrying has got to be one of the worst feelings. I'm sorry!

melissa said...

I'm so sorry. Nothing really makes something like this feel better. Keep hoping. Heavenly Father knows you and loves you and He'll take care of you guys. xoxo

Charlotte said...

I'm so, so, so sorry. It's just so hard and I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Thinking of you.

Charlotte said...

Looks like a couple of months have passed (agonizingly and slowly, I'm sure)...if you have another round of IUI coming up, I really hope that it's a success again and that it sticks this time.